A couple months ago I discovered a Medium publication called One Minute Wit. It was a departure from the personal essays I’d been writing and a break from my uphill climb learning to write satire.
It’s pretty satisfying to sit down to write and, 20 minutes later, have something to share. I still work on those other pieces but I thought you might find these three short bits fun to read.
Dog Sitting
We kept our friend’s dog and were woefully unprepared. This animal is huge and very observant — every bite you take, he’ll be watching you. The Dog Dad said no people food so we pushed him away from the popcorn we’d brought out. I got up and slipped in a puddle — of dog drool.
When we cleaned up, Abel kept staring out the door and I followed his gaze to the popcorn bag. “Hey, get that, would you?” I said to my husband. That dog gave me the stink eye better than most of my students ever could. He huffed and seemed to ask, “Do you let anybody have fun? Ever?”
Dog-sitting was a lot like subbing. They test you, kids and dogs, to see what you’ll put up with. “Maybe I’m allowed to run and stick my nose in the fridge every time it’s opened. You don’t know.”
I cleaned the house of fur and maybe it was insulting to get rid of his smell. Right after I vacuumed the living room, Abel went in there and shook with all his might, tags jangling. It was a snowstorm of fur. Then he slowly walked past me, locking eyes, as if to say, “Your move.”
Symmetry Problem
“Mrs. Smith, come in. What’s the problem?”
“I Googled ‘symmetry pictures for kids’ as I’ve done before but today one shot was of a woman’s breasts and some of the kids saw before I could close it!”
*Long Pause*
“Well, were they symmetrical?”
Star Wars Lego Playdate
Luke Skywalker: I want SPACE PIZZA for dinner tonight.
Darth Vader: NO! We had SPACE PIZZA last night. It’s unhealthy to eat that every day. You need a SPACE SALAD.
Luke: I hate space salad and I HATE YOU!
Darth: That’s because you are a GIANT BARF BRAIN!
Luke: No, YOU ARE! That’s why I PEED in your space boots! And that’s why they go SQUISH, SQUISH!
Darth: Well, that wasn’t pepperoni on the space pizza last night. It was EWOK POOP!
Luke: Well, it was really delicious! Let’s have that again!
Darth and Luke: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Look for me on Medium: Cindy Shore Smith @ smithcuse and don’t forget to clap! : )
I love these! Your blog page looks great!
Very funny. I really like this format. As the Dog Dad, I attest to the fact that you captured him very well. But you failed to mention that the “no people food” rule arose over several life and death fights over a salmon.
Ha ha ha! I need to use that bit in another piece! ; )